Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Maybe It Wasn’t Meant To Be

I feel like I’ve been avoiding a pretty big (for me, anyway) topic around here the past two weeks. Remember how I applied for school (early learning and childcare, one year course, online)? Yeah, that. I was all set to start on the 8th, and was really looking forward to classes. I went into the school the Tuesday before to take care of some business, when I had my loan taken away from me. Turns out, I had applied for the wrong type of loan, and Mount Royal wasn’t going to sign it so that I could get my money. I was told what I should have applied for, but even if I submitted the paperwork that very minute, there would be no way I could get my money in time for the start of classes, and that’s even if I was approved. I walked out of the school, completely beaten down and on the verge of tears. I feel like no one was of any help to me.
I was left with a short period of time to come up with the money before I was going to be dropped from my classes. Here’s the thing: I wanted to have all of the money needed for the entire year, or I didn’t even want to bother. I could have come up with the money for the first two classes that I was registered for, but I didn’t want to be left scrambling for more money every time a new class came up. I’m notoriously bad for dealing with stress, and to have something big like money issues weighing on my shoulders would surely have done me in. I just didn’t want to be left with only two completed classes that end up counting toward nothing.
That day I left Mount Royal, I needed to re-evaluate some of my life goals. Do I hold off and apply for school to go during the winter semester? Do I wait until next year? Do I not go at all? I have to admit to you, that Tuesday was rough on me. I told myself that I was going to let myself have one day to wallow in self pity, but then it would be time pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. The self pity carried over a few extra days though, and I have to admit that even writing this now is really hard for me. Some days, I just feel like I really can’t catch a break. Life is tough.
But, there is a bright side to all of  this! You see, if I was in school, I was going to have to complete a practicum in order to complete my certificate. It has to be at an accredited facility, which means I would have to leave my job as a nanny and go work somewhere else, like in a daycare. This has been weighing heavily on me for the past couple of months. Was I really ready to give up a job that I love, in order to pursue something that I only assume that I would like? I can’t even stress to you how much I love my job as a nanny. When you’re working with the right family, everything is just perfect. The bond that I’ve been creating with Baby E is one that a nanny can only dream of. And, provided nothing goes wrong, this can end up being a long term job (up to 5 years, at least), which is a big deal for most nannies I know. (Working as a nanny can be a very transient job.) I have the perfect job, for me, so was I really willing to give that all up? For now, I don’t have to.
I am so incredibly lucky to have a loving boyfriend who supports me in whatever I decide to do, even if it means working at a job that doesn’t bring home big money, as long as I’m happy. For now, I’m just going to continue living my life the way I have been. School has been put on the back burner, but it’s an idea I will still visit from time to time, just to make sure I’m still happy with the way things are. I do have goals in terms of a family and what I want to do (in terms of a job) once I have a family, but those are just quiet goals at the moment since I’m still not married and haven’t started a family. I’m just happy to know that Stephen already supports these goals of mine.
So, there it all is, laid out on the table for you. These problems may not seem like a whole lot, but they’re my problems and this is what I’m dealing with at the moment. I knew that I needed to write it all out, because it’s how I work through my troubles. I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic.
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